I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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