Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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