Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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