I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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