Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
