john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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