Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You are a genius and a whore.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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