Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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