i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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