my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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