this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
