I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
