I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
