Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
