The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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