she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
