1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
