wanna go halves on a baby?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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