From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
