I just pynch a tree in the face
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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