he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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