I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
