I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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