when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
