So drunk its hurt
My cat gives me a boner
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
