this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
