I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i will never coherently bang her
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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