took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
