theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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