I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
