see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
