don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
