My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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