I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
