Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Houston, we have a squirter
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
