after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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