I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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