i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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