how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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