My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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