nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
