we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I will be naked everywhere
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
