Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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