my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
