After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
