Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
