He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
