no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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