Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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