Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We have so much sex to catch up on
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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