I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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