shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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